Jokes 4 Women
General
60 things not to say to a naked guy
50 rules for men
Women's top 10 rejection lines
What women should know about men
Q: What's the difference
between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Q: What's the difference
between E.T. and a man?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: How do men sort their
laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable".
Q: What are two reasons why
men don't mind their own
business?
1. No mind
2. No business.
Q: What have men and floor
tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the
rest of your life!
Q: What do an anniversary and
a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
Q: Why are men and like spray
paint?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
Q: How can you tell if your
husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
HUSBAND: Shall we try a
different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call a man who
expects to have sex on
the second date?
A: Slow.
Q: What is the insensitive bit
at the base of the
penis called?
A: The man.
Men are like disposable
tissues...
You can pick them up, blow them and then toss them
aside.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why ...or...They
burn out if you run them to hard...
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1. I've smoked fatter joints
than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery
to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower
in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face
on that?
10. It looks like a night
crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so
big.
12. My last boyfriend was
4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around
it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy
Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm
on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I
squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has
one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought
incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it,
it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a
toothpick.
27. Are you one of those
pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of
working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure
hunt!
31. I didn't know they came
that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take
long.
34. I never saw one like that
before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive
masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in
natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to
the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were
in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena
Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk
first.
48. Is that an optical
illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup
for your French fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have
so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air
pump?
54. So this is why you're
supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet
strings?
56. Your big gun is more like
a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie
clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly
button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
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1.Call.
2.Don’t
lie.
3.Never tape
any of her body parts together.
4.If guys'
night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5.If guys'
night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo
rules, “no petting.”
6.The correct
answer to, “Do I look fat?” is never, ever yes.
7.Ditto for,
“Is she prettier then me.”
8.Victoria’s
secret is good. Frederick’s of hollywood is bad.
9.Ordering for
her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10.Being
attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11.“Honey,”
“Darling,” and “Sweetheart,” are good.
“Nag,” "Lardass,” and, “Bitch”
are bad.
12.Talking is
good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13.A grunt is
seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14.None of
your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in
bed.
15.Her cooking
is excellent - so tell her.
16.But that
isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17.Dish soap
is your friend.
18.Hat does
not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm
does not equal clean.
19.Buying her
dinner does not equal foreplay.
20.Answering,
“Who was that on the phone,” with,
“Nobody,” is never going to end that conversation.
21.Ditto for,
“Whose lipstick is this?”
22.Two words -
clean socks.
23.Believe it
or not - you’re probably not more attractive when
you’re drunk.
24.Burping is
not sexy.
25.You’re
wrong!
26.You’re
sorry!
27.She is
probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car
than you think she is.
28.Ditto for
your discourse on football.
29.Ditto for
your abilty to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30.“Will
you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up
together", is bad.
31.Don’t
assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32.Don’t
assume PMS doesn’t exist.
33.No means
no. Yes means yes. Silence could mean anything. She feels
like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.
4.“But we
kiss,...”Is not justification for using her toothbrush.
You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
35.Never let
her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36.Chivalry
and feminism are not mutually exclusive.
37.Pick her up
at the airport - don’t whine - just do it.
38.If you want
to break up with her - break up with her. Don’t act like
a complete ass until she does it for you.
39.Don’t
tell her you love her if you don’t.
40.Tell you
love her if you do - often.
41.Always suck
up to her brother.
42.Think
boxers.
43.Silk
boxers.
44.Remeber
Valentine’s Day and any, “cheesy” anniversary
sheso-names.
45.Don’t
try to change the way she dresses.
46.Her haircut
is never bad.
47.Don’t
let your friends pick on her.
48.Call.
49.Don’t
lie.
50.Alright so
the rules are never fair. If all you guys out there just
followed these simple rules - then maybe we could all just
get along.
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10. I think of you as a
brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in
'Deliverance.')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to
do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the
ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you
spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls
from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half
gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't date you if you
were in the same 'solar system', much less the same
building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring
and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell
you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and
have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)
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1. If you think the way to a
man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.
2. Women don't make fools of
men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce
a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says
he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things
too.
5. A woman's work that is
never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go
for a bald one - they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You
might as well - they never mature anyway.
8. There are only two four
letter words that are offensive to men - "don't"
and "stop" (but not used together).
9. Men are all the same - they
just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with
manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man
who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he
is.
12. Scientists have just
discovered something that can do the work of five men - a
women.
13. There are a lot of words
you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving --
they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
14. Men are like animals -
messy, insensitive and potentially violent - but they make
great pets!
15. Mens brains are like the
prison system - not enough cells per man.
16. Husbands are like children
- they're fine if they're someone else's.
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