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Jokes 4 Women

Contents:

General
60 things not to say to a naked guy
50 rules for men
Women's top 10 rejection lines
What women should know about men

General

Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a man?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable".

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own
business?
1. No mind
2. No business.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the rest of your life!

Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why are men and like spray paint?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on
the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the insensitive bit at the base of the
penis called?
A: The man.

Men are like disposable tissues...
You can pick them up, blow them and then toss them
aside.

Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why ...or...They burn out if you run them to hard...

Up to contents

60 things NOT to say to a naked guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

Up to contents

Women's 50 rules for men

1.Call.

2.Don’t lie.

3.Never tape any of her body parts together.

4.If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5.If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules, “no petting.”

6.The correct answer to, “Do I look fat?” is never, ever yes.

7.Ditto for, “Is she prettier then me.”

8.Victoria’s secret is good. Frederick’s of hollywood is bad.

9.Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

10.Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

11.“Honey,” “Darling,” and “Sweetheart,” are good. “Nag,” "Lardass,” and, “Bitch” are bad.

12.Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

13.A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

14.None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

15.Her cooking is excellent - so tell her.

16.But that isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

17.Dish soap is your friend.

18.Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

19.Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

20.Answering, “Who was that on the phone,” with, “Nobody,” is never going to end that conversation.

21.Ditto for, “Whose lipstick is this?”

22.Two words - clean socks.

23.Believe it or not - you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.

24.Burping is not sexy.

25.You’re wrong!

26.You’re sorry!

27.She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.

28.Ditto for your discourse on football.

29.Ditto for your abilty to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

30.“Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together", is bad.

31.Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

32.Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.

33.No means no. Yes means yes. Silence could mean anything. She feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

4.“But we kiss,...”Is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.

35.Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

36.Chivalry and feminism are not mutually exclusive.

37.Pick her up at the airport - don’t whine - just do it.

38.If you want to break up with her - break up with her. Don’t act like a complete ass until she does it for you.

39.Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.

40.Tell you love her if you do - often.

41.Always suck up to her brother.

42.Think boxers.

43.Silk boxers.

44.Remeber Valentine’s Day and any, “cheesy” anniversary sheso-names.

45.Don’t try to change the way she dresses.

46.Her haircut is never bad.

47.Don’t let your friends pick on her.

48.Call.

49.Don’t lie.

50.Alright so the rules are never fair. If all you guys out there just followed these simple rules - then maybe we could all just get along.

Up to contents

Top 10 rejection lines given by women (and what they mean - men take note!)

10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

Up to contents

What Women Should Know About Men

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

2. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).

9. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

10. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a women.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!

14. Men are like animals - messy, insensitive and potentially violent - but they make great pets!

15. Mens brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.

16. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

Up to contents