Jokes (Misc)

Contents:

Blonde jokes
Yo Mama jokes
Pick-up Lines
Light Bulb jokes
Unbelievely poor jokes
Rude Jokes

Blonde Jokes

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

2. Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

3. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

4. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

5. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)

6. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

7. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.

8. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

9. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

10. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

11. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get f**ked up when they're on their back.

12. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

13. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

14. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

15. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

16. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

17. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

18. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

19. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

20. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

21. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

22. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

23. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

24. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

25. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

26. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

27. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

28. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

29. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

30. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

31. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

32. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

33. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

34. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

35. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"

36. Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?

37. Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"

38. Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

39. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

40. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

41. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

42. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

43. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

44. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

45. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.

46. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.

47. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

48. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.

49. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

50. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

51. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.

52. Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?

53. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

54. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

55. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !

56. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

57. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

58. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

59. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.

60. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

61. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

62. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

63. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

64. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

65. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

66. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

67. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

68. Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

69. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

70. Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

71. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

72. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

73. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

74. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

75. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

76. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

77. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

78. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

79. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

80. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

81. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

82. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

83. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 25 cents to use a telephone.

84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

85. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

86. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...

87. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

88. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

89. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

90. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

91. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

92. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

93. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

94. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

95. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

96. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

97. Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

98. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.

99. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

100. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

101. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit

102. Q: Have you heard the mating call of a blonde?
A: "Oh I'm soooo drunk!"

103. Q: Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

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Yo Mama

Yo mama's so fat, When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.

Yo mama's so fat, When she dances she makes the band skip.

Yo mama's so fat, When she diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.

Yo mama's so fat, She puts mayo on aspirin.

Yo mama's so fat,Her ass has its own congressman.

Yo mama's so fat,Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo mama's so fat,Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Yo mama's so fat,Her driver's license says "Picture continued on the other side".

Yo mama's so fat,The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Hear" is printed on each of her buttcheeks.

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: ''MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY: 240 PATRONS OR YO MAMA"

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo mama's so fat, she got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "KOOL-AID", she comes crashing through the wall.

Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.

Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!

Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

Yo mama's so stupid that when she filled out a job application where is says person to contact in case of emergency, the bitch put 911.

Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.

Yo mama's so poor, when she heard about the last supper, she thought she ran out of food stamps.

Yo mama's so tall, she did a push-up and burned her back on the sun.

Yo mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.

Yo mama's so fat, when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial.

Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her .

Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.

Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.

Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.

Yo mama said she liked seafood, so I gave her crabs.

Yo mama's feet so big, her sneakers need license plates.

Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Hal .

Yo mama's blind and seeing another man.

Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat butt out of the way

Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel.

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Pick-up Lines

Go up to a girl and say "The word for today is legs how about we go upstairs and spread the word"

"Why don't you come and sit on my lap we will talk about the first thing that pops up"

If we were squirrels I would bust a nut in your hole

If I said that you had a nice body, Would you hold that against me... Please?!?

Is that a mirrior in you pocket because I keep seeing myself in your pants

Pardon me Ma'am, I have seem to have lost my phone number could I borrow yours?

I am new in town, Could I have directions to your house?

(Women at copy machine) "Reproducing eh? mind if I help?

Wanna see my HARD DRIVE I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy!

Girl what you need is a one way ticket on the rolly-polly express of love!

You remind me of a cresent wrench because every time I look at you my nuts tighten!

Nice ass mind if I wear it as a hat?

Wanna be my love buffet? You lay on the table and I will take what I want!

My name is (Your name) Now you know what to scream.

Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?

Did it hurt? ("What?" she replies) When you fell from heaven?

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Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. That's a hardware problem.

A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.

A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
One to write the light bulb insertion program, and
One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Both of them.

Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.

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Unbelievely Poor Jokes

Q: What position do ghosts play in football teams?
A: Ghoulkeepers

Q: Why do elephants have wrinkles?
A: Because they hate ironing.

Q: Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A: To see his flat mate.

Q: What sits in a pram and wobbles?
A: A jellybaby.

Q: What do you have to know before you can start training a pet?
A: More than the pet.

Q: How do you stop your dog barking in the back of your car?
A: Put it in the front.

Q: What is black, floats on water and swears?
A: Crude oil.

Q: What do you call the place where sick fairies go?
A: The elf centre.

Q: Did you hear about the Irish jellyfish?
A: It set.  

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Rude Jokes

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: So the sheep won't hear the zip.

Q: What's the difference between like and love?
A: Spit and swallow.

Q: What do the gynecologist and the Domino's delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the pie but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.

Q: How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
A: Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and apologise.

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What is the difference between tampons and mobile phones ?
A: Mobile phones are for assholes.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Joke: Three sisters, named Flora, Fiona and Fanny lived in the same village in Yorkshire and were renowned for their beauty, although all of them had extra large feet. One evening, Flora and Fiona went clubbing and were soon chatting to some lads. "By gum," said one of the lads. "Haven't you got big feet!" "Oh that's nothing!" they replied. "You should see our Fanny's.

Joke: "Come in George" said the Mother Superior to her gardener. "I hear you've got a complaint." "That I have" he replied "one of your nuns has been doing press-ups in my vegetable garden." "Well surely there's no harm in that." "Aah, but you've not seen my cucumbers, they're all ruined."  

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