FunniesContents:The Grand Kiwi Farting Competition The Grand Kiwi Farting CompetitionUnder International Rules of farting To be held at the East German Farting Stadium Fart off: 8:40 p.m. Referees: 1 - Former Farting Champion (all classes) of Egypt and the Lebanon National Services. Chairman: Still holds the World Record Duration Fart for 9 seconds (unbeaton after training on Pernod, Duck Eggs, Barm Cakes and Mushy Peas). Rules: When called, each competitor will step on the raised platform and must lower his/her trousers on the platform. They will grip the Farting Post; any grip is permitted, one hand or both. At a given signal from the senior referee, the competitor will commence to fart. A SH*T IS IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFIED! Grading: Dry farts, long farts, wet farts, short farts, alternating long and short farts, rip-raps, bubbles and squeaks. The referees will take into consideration the quality of all farts - strength, odour, posture of competitor, and grip used. Cushion dusters, planket rippers and thunder claps are admissible. Echo chambers will NOT be allowed. After the final fart, a demonstration will be given by the World Champion farter. Also by a runner-up who came within 1 second of the 1976 World Championship, but was disqualified for sh*tting. The Thunder Box Farting Formation Team will give a display of formation farting. The audience is requested not to fart during the competition as this upsets the referees. The drinking of alcohol and the eating of peanuts are not permitted during the contest as this causes the arse to quiver, which distorts the farts, giving a false sound. Our Most Versatile Word - F**KOur most verstaile word - by stress and infliction it can describe many emotions - no other word can be used in such varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun (I don't give a f**k), as an adjective (it's a f**king beauty), as a verb in its transitive form (the game was f**ked by the weather), and the intransitive form (he well and truly f**ked it up). Everyday expressions show its true versatility:
The word has of course, been used by some very famous personages through the years, the more notable of them being:
Signs you are too drunkYou loose arguments with inanimate objects. Top 10 country music titles1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns in Bed 2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 4. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here! 6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 7. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better 8. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Then I'd be Out By Now 9. I Got In At 2 With A 10 and Woke Up At 10 With A 2 10. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body, Except For Mine The Poopie ListGhost Poopie - The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. Clean Poopie - The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie - The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie - This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realise that you have to poopie some more. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie - The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. Lincoln Log Poopie - The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. Gassy Poopie - It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. Corn Poopie - Self explanatory. Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie - The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times. Spinal Tap Poopie - That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways. Wet Cheeks Poopie - (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water. Liquid Poopie - The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. Mexican Poopie - It smells so bad your nose burns. Upper Class Poopie - The kind of poopie that doesn't smell. The Surprise Poopie - You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie! The Dangling Poopie - This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. Book TitlesMount Everest by I. A. Tights - How to Embarrass an Idiot by Lucy Lastic Babysitting by Justin Casey Howls Christmas Decorations by Miss L. Toe Discipline in the house by Wilma Child Begood Arctic Ocean by I. C. Waters Alone in the Forest by Lucinda Woods New Year's Resolution by Kenny Keepit Long Jump by Willie Makeit illustrations by Betty Wont A Butler's Life by U. Rangmelud A Cannibal's Diet Sheet by Henrietta Legge Men and Women UpgradesDear Helpdesk, A friend of mine is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as: Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for many weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable (guaranteed for a limited period). But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain; any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and cannot be deleted and may surface months or even years later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGEzip and no option on the Help Menu seems to work, leaving him to try and guess the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring ShoeShop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop- up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself. |