Computer Jokes
Windaz 2000
Computer Virus jokes
Why Computers must be female
If Microsoft built cars
You know when you've been surfing the NET too long when...
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re -attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great
service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.
SPRINT VIRUS: Every three minutes, you hear a pin drop out of
your machine.
YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS: Almost immediately fragments into several
autonomous parts. Then it violently tries to reassemble
itself for the next 150 years.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if
by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a
"virus", but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic micro-organism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file,
it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible
alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system,
just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses
to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colourizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Goes into your spellchecker and updates the
word "Potato"
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot
of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into
hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part
of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus
a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't"
whenever you choose "Abort" from the
"Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your
Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Tries to have you removed as the
rightful owner of the computer, even though everybody else
wants you to be the owner.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for
money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new
cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on
boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and
spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my
docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to
fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files,
then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform
like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files
on your PC and erases them in "self defence".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes
in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a
million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
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1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about
as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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1. A model year wouldn't be available until AFTER that
calendar year.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd
have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just
accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car,
unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT, but then you'd have
to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered,
twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the
roads.
6. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be
replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning
light.
7. People would get excited about the "new"
features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they
had been available in other brands for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
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1. You ask your family to address you in HTML
2. You think a person's social status is directly linked to the speed of their modem (It's not?)
3. Your sex life consists of a lot of downloading
4. You rename your dog "Fido" and ask him to do more than fetch the paper
5. You brag about how you flamed Bill Gates
6. You refer to your house as your homepage
7. You laugh hysterically every time you see your mailman
8. You don't understand why God doesn't have an email address
9. You are lobbying to get Star Trek listed under non-fiction
10. You buy your mother-in-law a modem so you can flame her
11. You pur your web site URL on all your Christmas cards
12. You are anxiously waiting for Solitaire to become an olympic sport
13. You sign your checks starting with "http"
14. You swap web site trading cards at work
15. Your kids complain about the phone bill you're racking up
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1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
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